Mastering relationships can be quite the challenge. With some people, you naturally feel at ease and grow close, while others might make you feel uncomfortable without knowing why. Is this merely a difference in personality, or is there something more? Today, we’ll explore the concepts of “relationship distance” and “boundaries” that influence our interactions and discuss how to navigate these to build better relationships.
Ideal levels of intimacy vary for everyone
According to David Frost, a psychologist at Columbia University, the “ideal level of intimacy” desired in relationships differs from person to person. Frost and his colleagues conducted a two-year study involving around 1,700 couples. The research revealed that it’s not just a lack of intimacy that’s problematic but also being overly intimate beyond one’s comfort level that can lead to significant issues.
Crossing boundaries is a bigger issue
Differences in ideal levels of intimacy don’t necessarily spell trouble. The real issue arises when one person crosses the other’s boundaries without respect. For instance, if person A prefers a more distant relationship while person B wants to be very close and share everything, conflicts are likely to emerge.
Understand your own boundaries first
The first step is to understand what level of intimacy you desire. Reflect on past relationships where you felt most comfortable and content. Were these relationships characterized by frequent sharing or occasional contact? How often did you communicate? These questions can help you identify your preferred relationship boundaries.
Identify and respect the other person’s boundaries
Once you’ve identified your own boundaries, it’s crucial to understand the boundaries of others. Pay attention to how they express themselves or behave. For example, if someone mentions feeling hurt due to infrequent contact, it’s a sign that they desire more frequent communication.
When the other person wants more intimacy
- Make an effort to get closer
- Communicate that feelings might change over time
- (Give it time) Gradually distance if differences are too significant
When the other person wants less intimacy
- Communicate that you’re willing to wait
- (Give it time) Gradually distance if differences are too significant
Conclusion
To build successful relationships, start by understanding your own boundaries and respecting those of others. Depending on the situation, you may need to adjust your level of intimacy, take time to approach the other person gradually, or even distance yourself if necessary. The key is to maintain relationships where both you and the other person feel respected. By setting and honoring boundaries, you can foster healthier, happier connections.