Three Ways to Overcome Life
Are you finding life difficult, feeling exhausted, and stressed, and suffering alone? The world often doesn’t go the way we want, does it? I deeply empathize. It seems that things rarely flow as planned.
So, how can we overcome this difficult situation and move towards happiness? I can tell you in three ways.
What are they? They are Acceptance, Immersion, and Savoring. By embracing these three concepts, you can improve your challenging situation.
Now, there was a teacher who was having an outdoor class with students, and they came across a large rock. The teacher asked the students:
Is this rock heavy?
The students answered:
Of course, it is.
Then the teacher said:
It’s not heavy if you don’t lift it.
It may seem like a simple wordplay, but there’s a significant lesson here. As we go through life, sometimes we’re just quietly walking our path, and suddenly, a rock falls in front of us. We didn’t do anything wrong. What do we do then? We try to move the rock. In other words, we resist.
‘Why is this happening to me?’
‘Why now of all times?’
‘Everyone else seems to be doing fine, so why only me?’
We exhaust ourselves trying to move the immovable rock. We become tired, weary, and feel like giving up. But this rock cannot be moved. Even if we manage to move it a bit, another one soon falls. So, what should we do? We should simply go around it. We must accept what has already happened.
The opposite of acceptance is resistance, and resistance only makes us more miserable. The book *Mindfulness* presents it as an equation:
Pain x Resistance = Suffering
We can’t control the pain, but we can reduce the suffering. If resistance is zero, suffering is also zero.
We resist because we have predefined answers for how life should be. We’ve decided that a certain way of life is the good life, and when things don’t go according to that plan, we resist. But life rarely goes as planned. Instead of setting fixed answers, we should think that anything can happen and accept it.
Harvard University researchers tracked the lives of 268 sophomores from the late 1930s for 72 years, seeking the formula for happiness. In the book *The Conditions of Happiness*, it states:
It’s not about the amount of pain but how we deal with it that matters.
What’s the best way to deal with pain? Acceptance. However, don’t confuse acceptance with resignation. Acceptance is an active stance.
‘Let’s accept what I cannot change. There’s no other way. Then, let’s focus on what I can do.’
Again, accept what you cannot change, and focus on what you can. This focus on what can be done is called immersion.
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, the author of *Flow*, conducted research using his own experience sampling method to answer the question, “When are people happiest?” He found that people feel the happiest when they are so absorbed in an activity that they lose track of everything else. He called this state “flow,” which is best translated into Korean as immersion. In this state of immersion, we lose ourselves, entering a state of selflessness.
So, if we have reduced suffering through acceptance for things we cannot change, we need to raise happiness by immersing ourselves in what we can do.
If you’re struggling with relationships at work, for example, changing someone immediately is challenging. This needs acceptance. Once accepted, where can you focus? Immerse yourself in your work. What happens then? Your skills improve. As your skills improve, you can negotiate with the company or consider changing jobs. This is the magic of immersion.
The conditions for immersion and growth are the same. When does immersion occur? When a task is slightly above your current level. If the task is too difficult, you’ll give up; if it’s too easy, you’ll get bored. Immersion happens when the task is just slightly challenging.
Anders Ericsson called this point the “growth sweet spot” because it’s where brain plasticity, or changes in the brain, is most active. Immersion can lead to growth. In other words, the more you immerse yourself, the more you can change what you couldn’t do before into what you can!
So, what should we do? We should accept what we cannot do, and immerse ourselves in what we can.
But there’s an important thing to know: you shouldn’t immerse yourself in just one thing. According to the book *Living Alone is Okay*, singles are more prone to burnout than married people. It’s not just because they are single or live alone. Singles tend to place more importance on their career development. If you focus too much on one area, when a problem arises in that area, your confidence can be severely shaken.
So, is this an encouragement to get married? A promotional video for marriage? No, that’s not it. It means we shouldn’t focus too much on just one thing. We need multiple pillars of happiness.
That’s why along with immersion, we also need savoring. How is savoring different from immersion? Both involve focus, but the object of focus differs. Immersion is losing oneself in the task at hand, while savoring is about fully experiencing the sensations and emotions.
Imagine chatting with a friend in a café. When you’re conversing, you immerse yourself in the conversation. But when you take a break, drink coffee, eat dessert, or look at the scenery outside, that’s when you savor the moment.
Feel the atmosphere of the café, the pleasure of the conversation, the aroma of coffee, and the sweetness of the dessert. Fully experience these moments.
When can we feel the happiness of savoring? It could be during a meal, while drinking coffee, resting after work, or when you take a break from immersion. I enjoy the fleeting sensation that arises when I pause from immersing in reading.
So, the third key to happiness is savoring what you can enjoy today. What’s the last key to happiness after acceptance, immersion, and savoring?
It’s gratitude for what you have today.
There’s nothing too insignificant to be grateful for. You can be thankful for everything. Gratitude doesn’t come from comparing yourself to others; it comes from being thankful for what you have today. The sunlight, the chair you can sit on, the smartphone you can read this article on—there are countless things to be grateful for. Can we summarize it in four sentences?
- For what I cannot do today, let’s reduce suffering through acceptance.
- For what I can do today, let’s achieve both happiness and growth through immersion.
- For what I can enjoy today, let’s build more pillars of happiness through savoring.
- For what I have been given today, let’s practice gratitude.
If you practice these four things every day, your life will undoubtedly change. Reflect on your current situation today, and take some time to think about what you need to accept, where to immerse yourself, what to savor, and where to be grateful.